something for
the weekend / December 20, 2011
your cultural 5-a-week

Now I’ve seen a lot of years in my days, so I can say with all certainty that unless you were heavily invested in pepper spray or chaos, this one was pretty bumpy. True, it wasn’t all bad, but on the whole it seems like the year was stuck on the anger bridge .

Personally, I made ends meet even though I only seem to make enough money to be broke since I’ve had to buy tons of new equipment to make the new stuff kids are asking for nowadays. Plus with the tsunami, earthquakes and floods, my little logistics guys were running around like headless chickens looking for RAMS, SAMS or whatever the hell they call those things. And don’t get me started on Cocoa beans! Did anyone ask me if I’d be able to cope with another BILLION people? Nope! I’m almost glad that there are so many people out there who, just flat out, don’t believe in me ‐ Santa.

On the bright side, they didn’t blow up the earth with that particle collider. So we have that going for us. I’m only 1731 years old, so I’m not ready to go yet and I’ll certainly stick around if I can get some more of the that crazy Charlie Sheen stuff. I’ve always liked that guy. But if you’ve got 2:52 and don’t mind getting emotional about a year in review video, then take a look at this.Thanks goggle .

Since this is for an advertising agency, I guess I gotta talk a little about advertising. I’m not big on ads myself…correction, I can’t frekin stand them, especially before Youtube videos. If I wanted to see an ad for the Oral B electronic 3D toothbrush then I would have searched for “Oral B electronic 3D toothbrush”, but I didn’t. I searched “adorable cat video” .Don’t get me wrong, occasionally I see an ad that isn’t truly annoying, but that’s usually because it’s got cute wittle kitties in it. If I was forced to choose the best advert of this year, then I would say the title goes to…BAP BADA BAH!!! JOHN LEWI…Nope, it’s Chuck Testa . Definitely Chuck Testa.

Oh and the only other ads I can stomach are ones that I’m in. Usually they just hire some actor (who looks nothing like me) to play Santa (ehem…Best Buy, you know what I’m talking about). I was working on a deal with them for two months and then I hear radio silence until three months later when this jagoff is on screen looking like a deer in headlights. Get out of town with that stuff. We all know who ISN’T getting any royalties on that one. Films are one thing, but advertising is where the real money is, so it’d be nice to have a piece of the pie since I’ve spent over a millennia building the brand for them. Marketing bods with a Christmas ad with me in it are definitely on the naughty list.

One of the questions I get asked all the time is, “What do you do when you’re not delivering presents to the entire world?” Well, I wish it were more interesting, but it really breaks down to three things: Management, accounting and procrastinating ‐ with a heavy biased towards procrastination. I wait till the last minute and do all of my work on one day and I do it that way every goddarn year. If that isn’t indicative of a serial procrastinator, I don’t know what is and I’m not getting any better.

I say it after Christmas every year, “GOD, THAT WAS HELL. Next year I’ll knock out a few countries each month.” And then what happens? Just like saying “I’m going for a run in the morning”, I find that it’s only attractive in theory. I’ll run into someone at a party and they’ll say “Holy Crap! You haven’t seen Breaking Bad?! It’s such a good show!” Three weeks, 4 box sets, and 10 extra pounds of pizza weight later, I’ve lost a month of time. And now that I’ve found Reddit , the holy grail of procrastination, I don’t even fight it.

So, here is an extremely small selection of the millions of the memes that have kept me from doing anything worthwhile with my time this year:

‐ Rebecca Black . Yeah, I know, I’m sorry.

‐ Planking needs to not be a part of the future. This was slightly better.

‐ Representatives of the naughty and nice list: Good Guy Greg and Scumbag Steve .

‐ The mascot of 2011 – Nyan Cat .

‐ HONEY BADGER !!!!!!

‐ The two stars of the royal wedding: Beatrice’s hat (1, 2) and Grace Van Cutsem (1, 2).

‐ First world problems took the words right out of my mouth. I too hate biting into a chocolate chip cookie only to realize too late that it’s actually OATMEAL RASIN! Nightmare.

So this is the only thing that anyone cares about, and the Mother people said I had to include this segment or I wouldn’t get paid, so here goes.

I might as well start with the naughty list since it’s seen the most activity this year.Osama and Gadafi were one thing, but I am counting my lucky stars that Good ol’ Kim Jong has kicked the bucket because I am fresh out of Hennessey and he was one guy that I did not want to make ‘angwy’. He may have been an amazing golfer , I’ll give him that, but he made every gathering extremely uncomfortable in the way that only a vicious, unfeeling, completely self‐deluded dictator can. Those were the big ones, but here were some other notables on the naughty list:

‐ Of course, a big name on the naughty list, pepper spray cop (1, 2) . If anyone out there were wondering how they could get onto the naughty list, I would say that deliberately dusting a group of unarmed protesters with a “less‐than‐lethal” agent is a good start. I guess I know who’s getting that pallet of Michael Buble Christmas CDs.

‐ The London rioters . Enjoy your trainer’s guys; because they’ll be full of coal come December 25th. The only positive thing that came out of their brainless destruction was This tumblr . Come on people, I like Tottenham.

It’s not like the nice list was the only one jammed pack with names. Here are some highlights from the nice list:

‐ These adorable little guys are getting ALL THE THINGS for Christmas! Statement of fact.

‐ All those protesters out there that fighting for freedom or an unjust system. You’re on the nice list you little hippies. ‐ Julian Assange made it just because of his hair (proud grey brothers stick together) and his good looks.

People always seem to come to me for predictions about the future without realizing that I’m not a dang psychic. I can see everything that you do in the present (which includes all the weird, kinky stuff, wink) and that’s it. Oh, and If I could see the future I wouldn’t have bought one of the t‐shirts from that mother psychic thing . I’m not really into that stuff, but you never know. You just never ever know and it’s for a good cause (I have a soft spot for old people). I don’t want to bribe you or anything but if you buy a shirt that would pretty much make the “nice list” a certainty. Not a bribe.

While I can’t see into the future I can at least make wild predictions that are entirely baseless and in know way reflect any actual reality.

1. I predict that all children who are currently 15 years‐old; will be 16 years old by the same time next year.

2. I predict that Portugal will finally be recognized as a legitimate country.

3. I predict that this year, 4 out of 5 dentists in America will recommend Crest Advanced Whitening toothpaste.

4. I wrote this in the biography “Onward Bound” (my book that publishers have yet to pick up), but I believe that Pauly Shore will finally walk away with an Oscar for best makeup.

5. And finally I predict that my wife will forget to get me an Easter egg again, she forgets every godarn year; and we all no their ain’t such thing as the firkin Easter bunny. That’s it from me. I will be seeing you soon (actually I can see you right now) so be good. Remember, I love each and every one of you, even the naughty ones, I just love rich people more, which is why they get more presents. What can I say, I’m a capitalist through and through. What’dya expect from the head of a holiday based exclusively around buying stuff.

Ho Ho Ho!

About this week’s contributor:

Santa Claus is a capitalist toy maker from Lap‐Land; who delivers toys and presents to children across the land all in one day. He can’t stand cheap imitation beards; especially those worn by imitators in shopping centers up and down Britain. He also revealed to us that he hates “friken mince pies”. T’is the season and all that jazz.